dear huck // 8

the other day i turned around to see what it was that you were so loudly screeching about, with your hands out and your wrists waving like you could just take off and fly for all the excitement shooting out of your little body. i realized in that second that you'd become a toddler somehow over night, and just like that my wiggly little baby was gone. i'm not as sad about that as i'd expected to be. these versions of you are all so perfect and the one we're in now, where you have two big bottom teeth and f.o.u.r slivers of top teeth coming in, all in itty bitty increments, and you're learning to make big splashy messes in the bathtub at night, and how to be sneaky about the way you grab on to the slippery side of the tub and pull yourself straight up so you're standing tall and proud in the two seconds it takes me to turn my head to talk to daddy, is so very sweet. i want you to know this stage of your life is busy, but you like busy much more than mommy does. you relish in our after daycare dashes to the grocery store and if it means a really short car ride you'd spend all weekend long running around the city from one place to the next. the more movement the better, and if we can run into as many puppies and other toddlers your age you're happy to ride along and shout out to the world how very great this life of ours is.

you're teaching me to be strong, honey. and along with your daddy, you're showing me how incredibly lucky i've been in my life. we've got so very much to be grateful for. there's nothing in the world i would trade this in for! nothing in the world.

love you, my hucka!
mommy

dear huck // 7

you're with your daddy this week in south dakota and i miss you every second of my day so much it feels like my heart is just going to plunk right out for all the work it's doing to keep itself together until you get home. you're it, my hucka. you're the in and out of my breath, do you know that?

you and i spent last week together at grandma deb's house because you were sick, with spots all over your body that made you look more miserable that i've ever seen you look. we went to the doctor to see if there was anything we could do to make your forehead stop burning and your skin from being completely consumed with red blisters. she gave you a big ol' sticker that mama stuck right on your spotted leg, and it wouldn't come off it was stuck on so strong! you thought it was funny, kind of, because really nothing at all could have been funny the way you were feeling that day.

we tried to keep you busy so you wouldn't stop too long to remember how terrible you were feeling.

but really all you wanted to do was arch your back as far as it could go and cuddle with mama in the most lonely hours of the night. and really, baby, that's what mama wanted to do too. watching you wriggle around inside yourself to escape your achy body only makes me want to scoop you right up and kiss every speck of your blistery skin until the pain is soaked up, right into me instead.

in a way though, i would say i was lucky. because you were sick when mom was there and not after i'd left you with daddy in south dakota. because if i'd known i couldn't be there to do everything in the world that might make you better, i would have simply gone insane. and probably only because we have god on our side, on sunday, just as i was about to get on an airplane without you, your skin decided to stop letting all the red bumps take over and instead it started to kick those stinkin' dots right off. every time daddy sends me a new picture of you, smiling as wide as can be, your pudgy hands and meaty legs look more and more like the old ones, those soft white beautiful little pieces of you that make me feel so lucky to me your mama i could burst.

come home soon sweet boy! and bring that handsome daddy of yours with you :)

dear huck // 6

 

life is rushing to catch the earliest train home to you, big, enthusiastic smiles because daddy is home a little early today, a last-minute decision to throw on our swim gear for the evening and cross the busy highway towards the pool. life is knowing there will never be enough time to drink you up, because your legs are even longer today than yesterday, and your hair is growing past the peak of your forehead now and that face, once full of big baby cheeks, is stretching longer now and much more toddler-like than baby. life is listening to you share stories all the way home from daycare, imagining the day when your "maaammm" will turn into "mama", and all of your delightful "mmmmm da aaaaaah dah" contortions will turn themselves into comprehensible tales you've either imagined or lived, or likely both. 

life is watching you play with daddy, buried in toys, or wrestling until you're both drenched in the constant flow of drool hanging from  your chin. life is late night coughs and early mornings wake-ups, apple sauce showers as you learn the word "no" - for "no, henry! we do not spit our apple sauce!"

life is bedtime stories right after your bath, and cuddles during prayers while you learn the nuances of our faces - poking daddy's eyes, pulling mama's hair. life is you, henry. and life, right now, just as it is, is so very, very precious.

dear huck // 5

i don't know where the time is going baby. yesterday you turned six months old, and today you're less than two weeks from being seven months. it breaks my heart knowing that now our days will shoot past our eyes faster than we can capture the memories. every night as we ramble through your bedtime routine, i try with all my might to lock away every piece of us together, our last moments of the day before i lay you down and you wake up a teenager.

your hair feels like baby feathers across my lips when you turn your head from side to side. you do that a lot now while you rub your eyes again and again and again before bed, as if you're hoping that by rubbing them you'll keep them awake just a little while longer. you're restless after we nurse, so we rock a while to help calm your busy hands. last night, as your breathing slowed and your body folded into mine, i looked down expecting to see your eyelids shut tight. but instead i saw two round shadows above your nose, highlighted by your beautiful, long eye lashes. you were wide awake and staring up at me, your head resting on my shoulder. you stayed like that for what felt like hours while we rocked - creak, creak, creak - back and forth. i wondered if you were waiting for me to stand up and whisk you downstairs to play. it's in those moments, almost a half hour past bedtime and with still no sign of sleep in your very wide-awake eyes, that i wonder if we're doing everything okay, your daddy and me. you're a mystery to me, sweetheart, even more every week. i spend so much of our time together wondering, wondering if you're happy, if you should have one more scoop of apple sauce at dinner, because you're growing so big, or if we should fill you up with milk instead. or maybe both? but then you'll be too full to sleep... and it goes on like that in my head almost every step we take. daddy tells me all we have to do is love you, which i do so much it makes my chest heavy and bursting, but i worry anyways, because i know there's more to it than that. there's so much i want you to know, to see, to feel, and all within what seems like too little time in the day.

you're kind of a mama's boy, huckers - but we won't be telling daddy that, don't worry. it's our little secret. when you wake in the night, daddy tries with all his might to soothe your incessant wails and pat your arching back, but it won't do. no amount of "shhhhh"-ing, or bouncing, or rocking will stop your tears when you're in daddy's arms. that's mama's job. and as soon as daddy passes you into mama's arms you're quiet. your back relaxes and your head rests heavily on my shoulder. so we rock, and we "shhhhhhh", and we rock some more. until your tears are only invisible stains on your cheeks and your breath on my neck is soft and calm. you and mama, we're a packaged deal during the silent hours of the night. and it's exhausting and oh so draining, but it's some of the most precious hours we spend together, just the two of us.  

you know what you do recently that makes mama's heart melt straight out her toes? you greet us with these big, round, open mouthed kisses that are so unmistakeably intentional, at least i like to think so. but you get so excited as we inch closer to you that you bury your face in our shoulders before you get the chance to plant your lips on ours. you turn yourself into this ball of wiggling excitement, until your burst! and your head shoots up and your lips land arbitrarily wherever they connect - on my chin, on daddy's nose. a lot of the time your lips land on my jaw bone, and when you pull away, a full half cup of drool hangs down from my face as a souvenir. thank you for that, honey. i always love it, always.

yesterday we were practicing our scoots (mine are actually pretty good, yours could use a great deal of work), and you were stretching your tummy and arms as far as they could go while you grabbed at a just-out-of-reach toy. and although your feet were pushing off the carpet as fast as you could get them to move, your tummy was stubbornly stuck in it's place; so you arched your back, twisted your head, and flopped right onto your back, a full foot closer to the toy. and then, just like that, you were on your tummy again, toy in hand. and the next time I looked up, you were three rolls away from me, stuck between your toy basket and the table and sucking on the very same toy. when did you learn to roll with such finesse? where was i? the next time i look up, will you be walking? it's likely, and i'll love it. but i want to hold on to you just like you are, six months old and 22 days. because time is moving just way too fast baby. way too fast indeed.

dear huck // 4

when i found out you were there (i mean in mama's tummy, stretching and growing into who you would be - my henry), i knew without a thought that i was prepared to take care of you, no matter what you needed from me. i'd never been a mama before, but the idea of being one seemed like such an honor that i didn't stop even once to be scared. looking back i can't figure out why the biggest role of my life was taken so lightly in the beginning. i always worry far more than i should about even the tiniest things; and although in the literal sense you were the tiniest thing i'd ever thought about, my worry stayed clear away until the end.

and then you were born. and the very second you made your voice heard in the operating room the worry that'd been missing soaked back into my shoulders with ten times the weight i'd held in all my life. i feel it draining to my toes at night after you've gone to sleep for the first time, the second time, and any time after that. and all through the night it boils back up with the slightest stir in your crib.

i wonder if the weight of all that worry will be enough to wipe me clean out some days. i look around at all the other mamas and daddies and wonder how heavy their shoulders are, knowing we all carry around with us the same shoulders of worry and self-doubt that parenthood inherently brings. what gets me through the days, besides your smile and great big hugs from daddy (the best hug-giver in the land), is knowing that i'm not alone in all of this - though parenthood also has a way of making it feel as if i am, ironically. alone, i mean.

but i'm here to tell you, so that you never have to worry for even a second, you're worth the weight of a thousand worlds on my shoulders. and the weight, little one, it comes from every ounce of love i hold in my heart, my knee-caps, my finger nails, and everywhere in between. for you. just you. though sometimes i love you through a mess of stubborn tears, know that i tried my hardest to keep my cheeks dry for you. though sometimes i love you through hurry-up-and-eat-baby-we-gotta-go-now's, know that i am counting my deep breaths - in... out... in... out... - while i wait for you, and i am praying for more patience to keep me strong. and though sometimes i love you through the seventh cuddle of the night, and my eyes are red and burning, know that i will wake up with you - happily but exhausted - for the next one, and the one after that. because what i've learned from you, honey, is that all of this is just one stage after another, and i intend to love you through them all.

and in the end, babe, i still know to my core that i am prepared to take care of you. no matter what you need from me. know that, with no doubt.

all my love,
mama

dear huck // 3

last week daddy was in mexico for work, and you and i took on virginia all by ourselves. we did well, i think, but i give you most of the credit. on saturday you and i drove to warrenton, va for a retreat with my grandmother's cousin, ardeen, who's taken us under her wing and loves you to absolute pieces. you were a hit with all the ladies, and i was flooded with more pride than i think should be legal. your smile is so very infectious, and you fought off every effort of mine to bounce/rock/feed you to sleep for even the shortest of naps only so that you could be awake to chatter and coo and wink at the ladies from the sidelines. you made absolutely sure no one missed you, because you are a show stopper, and i have no idea where you get it from (but i love love love it!). please don't lose that confidence, sweet heart. you have every reason to shine.

dear huck // 2

monday morning snow day. heaven right here on earth.

you were born just in time for one of the most notoriously cold and snowy winters in northern virginia. no one here knows what to do when any accumulation of snow falls at all, and temperatures in the single digits cause shut downs all around. all this really means for you and me is that we get to hang out with daddy lots more - he gets to stay home with us just about every time it snows. we love it! we mostly stay in the house together and watch the flakes fall in heaping piles on top of our stagnant cars. i don't think you would mind the cold if we had any real reason to go outside, you spent last winter in minnesota - although snug and warm in mama's tummy - where temperatures in the single digits - or any temperature above zero - are celebrated through most of the winter. snow fall in minnesota on a typical tuesday will reach 4-6 inches without even sparking a head turn, it just means it's winter after all and everything is right in the world. any prolonged amount of time without snow on the ground between november and the middle of march is almost eery, especially if it lasts for more than a week. but we loved it there, and some day we will take you back to our old neighborhood and i know you will love it too.

you are completely in love with your daddy these days, and when he comes home from work you stare at him first without a smile, then burry your face in excitement as he sneaks closer to you with his tickling fingers and nuzzling nose. your smile is bright and a little bashful, and you talk and talk while daddy holds you in his lap and makes goofy faces while he asks you about your day. that picture, the one with the two of you chatting away together, is one i'll hold in my heart forever. my two loves, both so very much in love with each other. there's nothing better.

you started screaming from the bottom of your toes last week, and i'm convinced it's only because you're a huckleberry and you know how to make your mom and dad jump. we could be having the most spectacular time reading stories, playing with your yellow puppy, or dressing you after a bath and your lungs will open up with the most dreadful wail there ever was. your tonsils vibrate so hard i think you're going to scream them right off, and your tear ducts spill over with great big salty tears that splash onto our shoulders and cover your bright red face. we try to soothe you with whispered lullabies and lots of gentle, calming pats, but so often it seems you only need to drain your tears and scream loud enough to alert the president of your overwhelming sorrow. don't worry sweetie, i'm positive he hears you.

next week i will take you to daycare for a few afternoons so you can play with your new friends. i try to be brave for you while we tell you all about ana and her rooms full of toys, but mama's heart hurts so hard at the idea of leaving you with anyone who doesn't know just exactly what part of your neck is the most ticklish or the right way to make the itsy bitsy spider crawl up your legs, under your arms, and straight to your nose. will you know mama still loves you if i'm not the one to cuddle you after your nap? will you take your bottle like a big boy and be nice to your friends? of course you will. of course it will be okay.

on saturday you will be four months old. the other day daddy weighed you on the bathroom scale and the display read 17.8 pounds. when we eat in front of you now, you watch us intently and chomp your gums while you lap loudly with your tongue. there's a really good chance you'll be ready to eat big boy cereal soon, even mama's tea makes you slurp your lips and dive for the cup. you're growing up too fast baby. please slow down.

dear huck // 1

you are 104 days old today, and when you woke up this morning it was 2 o'clock and you knew that you were ready for the day. mother was not so sure. the second time you woke it was 7am and with that our morning had begun. my favorite part of every day is the very first minute that i see your wiggly body on the monitor beside my bed. your knees curl up to your chest and your hands float around your mouth as you fight to catch a fist-full of fingers for a morning taste. your hand-eye coordination has some work to do developmentally, and we giggle at the way you clasp one hand tightly around the other fist while simultaneously using every effort you can muster to lock eyes on your morning catch, hold your fists as still as possible, and then, but only after you're sure those pesky hands won't slip away from you first, you pounce. your forefingers and the tops of your hands are raw and bright red from your constant game of cat and mouse. some day you will find a way to mash a full two fists in your mouth at once. until then we are all entertained while you try.

your room is dark, and your humming sound machine softly vibrates the table beside your crib. when i pull back the curtains your eyes watch me move about as i shut off your sound machine, turn on the light, then walk over to you splayed out in your crib. your arms are stretched towards either side of your crib now and your feet reach up to the ceiling, stuck together in your sleep sack. you stare up at me with serious eyes and without a smile. your feet slam down onto the mattress, then shoot up again towards the ceiling. "good morning baby." you smile up at me and try again to capture both fists in your mouth while your feet slam down onto the mattress like bricks. "how did you sleep?" you smell like fresh laundry and i smile at the sound of your voice catching in your throat as you readjust to the new altitude in my arms. you take a deep breath and burry your mouth in my shoulder. your hands are at your sides, your arms locked tightly to your body with the aerodynamics of a luger. in this moment you are sleepy and content, and if i could bottle up the feeling of absolute fulfillment that i have every morning with you in my arms, just like this, i would need nothing else at all. you. you're it, henry.