rainy days are for dirty laundry

warning: this post contains (metaphorical) graphic images of my soul splayed out in ugly detail. but it's real life we're after here, so read on if you dare.

remember back in january when i shared a tiny hint about something new coming up for us, and then again in march i asked for your thoughts because finally things were starting to iron themselves out and the job was "officially" mine… but not really, because it's still not even officially mine? don't worry, i wouldn't expect you to uncover the encryption of any of this… so let me start over!

when we moved to virginia, i took a job teaching sixth grade math in a school district that was considered "at risk". the math department was in shambles, performance scores were abysmal, and the school was without a superintendent. but i have a master's degree, and more than anything i wanted to teach math and provide for my growing family, so i took the job with excitement and a teeny bit of apprehension (because self-doubt is my middle name). but when i finally got into the position, surrounded by the most helpful and supportive team of teachers and administrators i could ask for, i crumbled. i was absolutely defeated every single day by the very real challenges that come with teaching in such a hurting district. my heart was broken for the students i couldn't reach and for the students who stared at me with wide, eager eyes from all corners of the room who couldn't reach me. my days started at 5 am and ended most days after 6, and every breathing second was focused on finding a way to morph sixth grade math lessons into blankets of strength and knowledge for a group of kids whose everyday thoughts literally consisted of finding a place to sleep, food to eat, and someone to care. and although to the very soles of my feet i cared, and maybe because of that, i chose to walk away from my classroom for good when henry was born. because i knew that i couldn't go on with my heart shattered every single day and be the kind of mom and wife i needed to be for my family. but the move wasn't taken lightly. joey and i spent so many sleepless nights going over and over the decision that we got more sleep with a newborn than we did those few months i was teaching.

i don't, even for a second, regret my decision to move on from teaching at this point in my life. i am a teacher at heart, and will always crave the feeling i get when i'm in a classroom, but now is not the time. here is not the place. so i gave myself two weeks to bond and cuddle my brand new baby, and then i began searching for a job that would help support us through the next chapter in our lives. while we lived in saint paul i worked for the medical school at the university of minnesota supporting the curriculum department and managing a few classes for first and second year medical students. i really enjoyed the work i did at the u, and so i focused my job search in virginia on something similar at one of the many universities in the dc area. about a month after henry was born, i was called to interview for a position in the medical school at george washington university (gw), and almost a month after the interview - still having heard nothing except, "the decision is still in the works," - we gave up hope that the job was mine. but finally at the end of january, i got a call from the medical school. they told me the job wasn't mine, i didn't have the experience they were looking for, but they were intrigued with what i had to offer them. miraculously, gw had decided to create a position for me supervising a group of people who essentially hold the same job i had held at the university of minnesota. i was honored they'd considered me for the position and so very anxious to start as soon as possible. but oh the red tape we've had to cross since that phone call in late january!

fast-forward to today, four months after my first interview at gw, and i am still waiting for the red tape to clear. i'm told the position will start in two weeks. but i could count on two hands the number of times i've been told that in only the last two months. meanwhile, our daycare had all but given up on us in march, so we were forced to start henry part-time to hold our spot (while paying full-full-full-full time prices. think double-rent-sized payments!) while i am still pacing the floors waiting. and waiting.

through it all, believe me, i am not feeling sorry for myself! in fact, the very opposite! we are blessed beyond belief that we were able to stock away a healthy enough savings fund while i was teaching to get us through this financially straining time. it helps that we are still able to get by without formula (thank god!), because henry's allergies would force us into a desperately costly variety! and an entertainment budget with an infant is essentially zero dollars :) not to mention some very special guardian angels (you know who you are!) have kept our growing babe in high fashion since birth. somehow, wondrously, everything has fallen into place.

in the end, i guess i needed to share this part of our journey to update those who've patiently waited for answers, or prayed for us from afar. but also to acknowledge how overwhelmingly blessed we've been. we moved to virginia with very high hopes and sparkling (blinded) eyes, and we've been surprised to find out how very real life can be. and looking back it's almost humorous to remember how rosy our blissful life once was, but encouraging to acknowledge how very blissful and fulfilling it still is. this life, it's such a crazy ride. and my two boys and i, we're anxious to uncover what's around the next corner. henry hopes it's a puppy ;)

thanks, as always, for reading.

favorite times

okay, alexandria. i guess you're kinda cute in the fall.

there are things about this pregnancy that i will miss for a long time. i will miss the magic of the first few weeks after we found out, how fragile it all felt, how blessed i knew we were every single moment of the day. i'll miss knowing that every step, every new week, was going to be brand new (to us) and mysterious. how would the baby grow in there? was my body really capable of carrying another human being around for 10-ish months? i'll miss the way joey's hand rests gently on my stomach at night while he prays. i'll miss the little wiggles in the morning as i busy myself in my classroom and the way my students stare in wonder as little limbs glide across my stomach while i teach. i'll miss knowing i have a tiny miracle inside of me wherever i go right now. i'll miss the anticipation, the excitement, the guessing each night before we go to bed if it's a boy or a girl. when will he/she come? what will she/he look like? will he be as stubborn and anxious as his mama or as happy and carefree as her daddy? these are all things i paint on the wall inside my head and use as focus points to keep me moving through the day.

this week is my last week of work before the baby comes. the last few weeks at school have been hard, and the chance to slow down and breathe a little before our lives get turned on their heads with midnight feedings and other all-day-long infant needs is something i've been counting down towards in seconds. only 10 more work days. 45 more class periods. 6 more days of student a. 4 more days until friday. 3 more teaching days left. it doesn't escape me that i'm exerting far too much energy counting  my life, this pregnancy, these last few precious days away. i'm guilty of looking ahead to find solace, and more now than ever i realize how important it is to find peace where i am.

over the weekend joey and i took some time on saturday to explore alexandria a little bit and stretch our legs. mine have been antsy lately. i don't think it's nesting, not yet, i just think i've convinced myself if i keep moving - even if it's in circles - i won't feel so overwhelmed and cumbersome. it doesn't seem to be working, but at least i know i'm not alone. this seems to be common for women so close to due date. far be it for me to stray from the norm ;)

today i have a 38 week appointment with my midwife. i'm hoping she'll shed some light on the next few weeks for us, but more likely she'll smile and ask me to continue to be patient. easy for her to say. but fine, i'll try ;) have a good one!

where I am

"BY CHOOSING YOUR THOUGHTS,
AND BY SELECTING WHICH EMOTIONAL CURRENTS YOU WILL RELEASE
AND WHICH YOU WILL REINFORCE,
YOU DETERMINE THE QUALITY OF YOUR LIGHT.
YOU DETERMINE THE EFFECTS THAT YOU WILL HAVE UPON OTHERS,
AND THE NATURE OF THE EXPERIENCES OF YOUR LIFE."

Gary Zukav (via nativecore)

so i'm working on that this week, instead of polluting this space with negative thoughts and/or electrifying details of my day to day. i'm also focusing my energies towards being grateful. grateful for second chances and for husbands who willingly give up saturday football to calm impatient wives with fresh air and small-scale adventures. i'll be back when grateful isn't all I can be at once :) 

finally fall

is it fall where you are? because it's hit us full swing this week and i couldn't be more pleased. what else is this time of year good for than hot apple cider and pumpkin butter bread (but seriously, you have to make it!)? a few weeks ago, while my mom and kenley were visiting, we stopped by a little pumpkin stand with every size pumpkin you could need, jellies, preserves, butters, and fall decorations. this may be telling of my geriatric tendencies, but i really think there is nothing better for the soul than pumpkins lined in a row and jarred jellies stacked in deep burgundy, hearty gold, and purples. Two weeks later the leaves are falling all around and piling up in the corners of our landscaping to welcome us home every day. this is the time of year for settling in, and finally - as we inch closer and closer to our early november due date - i feel like we're starting to get to that point.

on tuesday i met with yet another physician at my clinic. he bounded into the exam room, sliced through some paperwork, checked out baby's progress, and was out the door in less than 3 minutes. if it was a sprint i signed up for, i came in baffled and dead last. i have no idea what he said during our micro-chat, but i know there's a very good chance the room next door does because just seconds before i overheard doc's megaphone voice gently but hurriedly coaching the patient in the room next to mine about her not-so-smooth postpartum recovery. nice enough guy though, i suppose. he spoke eloquently yet almost childlike about his adventures riding 4-wheeler as a kid in south dakota, so of course i have to like him. my vision of him whipping in and out of my delivery room in the not-soon-enough-near-future has me a little uneasy, but if speed is his game then consider me signed up.

yesterday we visited the hospital we'll deliver at, and it took every ounce of will power i could muster not to climb up on the delivery bed and demand a straight shot of pitocin. call me crazy, but there's a 10 pound medicine ball resting heavily on my pelvis and my patience is running dry. joey drug me away by my swollen toes with promises of dinner out, so of course i caved. by the time i realized he'd chosen a restaurant with pre-dinner bread (the only kind of restaurant worth going to) i had forgotten all about my botched plans for a 37 week delivery and focused instead on my endless plight in the classroom from hell (don't judge me for my exaggerations, it's been a long week). the not-so-great stories are endless, but suffice it to say my spirits are breaking quickly. there's a small (but, realistically, very large) chance my impatience with the little cherubs could be attributed to my incredibly large and uncomfortable self, but 4.5 hours of teaching leaves me itching for a cigarette. you focus on that glorifying image a minute while i practice my labor breathing and fight through the memories. i would be a dying star right now if it weren't for a miracle from heaven today that took away my last teaching period and replaced it with 2 full hours of blissful movie time in the auditorium with the "good kids" who earned themselves some incentive time. sometimes dreams do come true ;)

this weekend i plan to not think about school for 40-ish straight hours and get the rest of our necessities ready for babes. joey's declared this the weekend of car seat installation, so you know we're not messing around anymore. i still need to find the right rug for the nursery and plot out a hospital bag. i'll leave you with this semi-complete nursery to set the tone. parked just outside camera shot is a bright green stroller with a teddy bear strapped inside. joey pushes it around the house sometimes when he knows i could use a giggle or 10. imagining him as a daddy is really one of my favorite things. if he can deal with my petty shenanigans day after day, the man will be the most saintly father in the world.

Have a great weekend!

on taking the lesson

it's not easy to admit, because i like to think i am a relatively strong person, but the last few weeks have been some rough ones. i tend to do the best when i know where i'm standing, and i know that my life is in some sort of logical order. i like routine. i don't like change. i like to be challenged, but mostly only on my own terms. these characteristics about me drive my husband insane because that means that every time something haphazardly rocks my ship my hands go up and i deflate into a blubbering mess of misery. again, i'm not proud of this. i also know it doesn't make me sound very strong.

over the last few years i've found myself positively showered with really, really amazing accomplishments and life-altering blessings. we got married, we're having a baby, we're healthy, we've been blessed with incredible job opportunities. but intermixed between all that wonderful - and sometimes because of the blessings - there have been some challenges i look back on and feel i hardly survived. my stomach still turns to knots over the memories. and today - these last few weeks - i've been in it again. i'm making the kind of memories i know i will remember later and cringe about. i feel sort of like i'm drowning, not just in the reality of the challenges but in the anxiety i can't seem to break away from. i know there are lessons that need to come from all of this. i know that in the end i will be grateful for the opportunity to have ridden these rough waters towards whatever is was that i was destined to learn from it all. but today i am having a hard time praising god for these great learning experiences.

i hope you are having a great week. i hope the struggles and challenges you are facing make you feel stronger and more capable. i hope you find lots of reasons to smile. meanwhile, i'm working on this:

the semi-amusing things they do

although the little angels can be incredibly entertaining from time to time, my 6th graders know how to reduce me to shreds by the end of the week. to keep me coming back for more, it helps to focus on the little things that make me smile throughout the day. like this:

while helping another student, i heard the crashing sound of an 11 year old body slamming to the floor beside me as the desk i was leaning on shuddered, then rattled to a stand still. i turned around to find the culprit, but saw no one at my feet. i looked up to see shawn, three feet away, splattered across the floor in almost-tears, weighed down by his twice-his-size backpack.
jamie: shawn, what happened? (alarmed)
shawn: i don't know! (completely bewildered)
jamie: ... have a seat, shawn.

after school, explaining to a student that he may not continue to do whatever he was doing that rattled my nerves over the course of the last 50 minutes (it was probably shawn), i was urgently interrupted by another student, david.
jamie: david, i'll be with you in a second.
david: ok! (excited, walks into the hallway)
......
j: (ushers david back into the classroom, expecting him to have an emergency question about his homework) alright, what can i do for you?
d: i'm going to my cousin's wedding this weekend! (smiling wide)
j: ...
d: .... (gleaming)
j: that's great! have fun!
d: thanks! bye mrs. larson!

almost 10 students a day: mrs. larson, can i borrow a pencil?
j: where is your pencil?
students: (shows me a splintered shard of plastic or yellow wooden stick in his/her hand) it broke!
j: ...
**if i could get my hands on the dirty little phantom that flies around school busting my students' pencils gruesomely in half i would be a whole lot pencil-richer.

aaaaaand, we're 34 weeks today. joey and i spent the day yesterday (aaaaaall day!) at a birthing class educating ourselves about the terrifying "malfunctions" that can happen in childbirth. did you know 40% of all births these day result in a c-section? if you can believe it, 8% of those are women who've chosen this major surgery for no reason other than convenience and/or simplicity. this girl will not be one of those 8%, because although labor is on my list of scary-enough-to-haunt-my-daily-thoughts, it's not so scary that i would voluntarily forego a relatively quick recovery to avoid it. and what a tremendous shame for us to be so well-versed in labor breathing and not be able to employ it through all the deep and painful contractions we have in store for us :)

here's to a much better week than last!

oh, and here. because i like to punish you with too much information and pictures you can't erase from your mind no matter how hard you try... babes and me at 34 weeks.

any bigger and my poor students will be swallowed whole by this glossy bod'. wish me luck, we still have 6 weeks 'til due date. and you know this lucky gal is going to get to carry into the 42nd week, so by default let's add a few more weeks to that 6 ;)

busy weeks and anticipation

this week, let me tell you.... but it's over, thank the lord. long days have been the norm around here. wednesday night was back to school night, and kept me in my classroom until 8:30pm. i brought a co-worker home after, and about a half mile from our doorstep the radiator in my car blew up. thankfully i was able to putt my sorry tush home on "reduced engine power", but it's not the first time we've had to overhaul the pontiac's radiator and we were both less than impressed with this additional drain on funds. by friday, i was ready to collapse. joey and i spent the day yesterday catching up on housework and homework. i forced myself to stay at school until 2, and then i declared myself free. i came home to a freshly scrubbed house (i won the husband lottery, believe me, i know!) and pumpkin chocolate chip muffins, which may or may not last another day around here, because what a perfect way to welcome in the cooler weather and fast changing leaves. we also (finally) purchased this fancy little crib (in white) for our first born. the mattress is in the nursery awaiting its companion and our nursery to-do is quickly dwindling to only a few items. do you hear my relieved sigh through the screen? i can't wait to put it all together!

next weekend we have birthing classes all day saturday and the following weekend we have visitors. the weeks leading up until november will be fast! and did you know... three months until this guy comes to town. we're already tracking plane tickets like hawks! because christmas with family and our new little babe is going to be the best ever.

oh and hey, we have an ultrasound tomorrow afternoon. don't think i won't punish you with new and exciting black and whites of my almost formed child. joey's got pictures of this in his head and can't get past how uncomfortable the baby must be. we're 33 weeks today, so things are getting even more snug in there. let's hope he/she's in good posing form tomorrow!

and now we can have a baby!

today was my second attempt at nailing down an obstetrician in virginia who would sooth my fears and reassure my paranoid self that all is on track with babe. i left school in a daze at 3:20, hardly able to focus on my two second drive across the street to my doctor's office, because i will tell you again middle schoolers are exhausting! as instructed, i showed up 20 minutes early with all required forms neatly and meticulously filled out. up to the ninth floor, babes and i rode the creeping elevator. we found our clinic, checked ourselves in and waited... and waited... and waited. i'm not a big waiter to start with, i have the patience (roughly) of a 10 year old. although i'm working on it! but when i can visualize my desk at school heaping to the brim with to-do lists, yet ungraded assignments, and blank lesson plans desperately in need of content, my patience plummets to even shallower depths. and so i waited, and ground my teeth. checked my email, read the news, contemplated the u.s.'s position in syria, checked my email, debated texting joey to tell him i was moving (with or without him) back to saint paul (and my old doctor, the one i love.love.love). and just as i was about to throw my cell phone across the room to hit the cheery nurse who continued to show up and shout someone else's name, i was called in.

once inside my room, the nurse and i had a pleasant conversation about why in the world one would choose to move across the country in my "condition" - because i am the best wife ever, is the correct answer by the way! - and i was asked to "sit tight" until the doctor was ready to see me. and so i sat. tight as a drum! until finally my doctor swept in and cleared all tension from my shoulders with her airy hello, bright smile, and sincere gratitude for my patience (what patience?). i loved her instantly and spent the next 15 minutes finding a dozen ways to love her more. "of course you're stressed out," she guessed immediately, "but you're doing all the right things and we're happy to have you." she could have said nothing else that would have eased my worries more. she went on to patiently and thoroughly explain the details of the hospital at which we will deliver, the credentials of the midwives who may be the ones to take charge of my delivery, and the process moving forward as we near the due date. i was sold. and so, i am ready to commit to my new doctor/clinic with complete ease. finally!

but now for some real news to start your week off right... this little cupcake and her grandma are coming to see me in a few weeks :)

picture stolen (thank you holli+instagram+facebook)

we couldn't be more excited!

a week of normal

nothing to report in, but this is what we've been up to this week...

my classroom finally got done, just in time for my sixth graders to arrive on tuesday. they were rambunctious, to say the least, and now my pretty classroom looks a little more "worked in". today i had a student fall out of his chair approximately twice. you see the chairs, each connected to a desk. how did he do that? joey asked if there was something wrong with him. yes, i told him, he's 10 years old. yesterday at least three of our little angels shed some nervous/homesick/overwhelmed tears. it's been a week! but still somehow it's only been 2 days.

and for more exciting news, we got our travel system today! joey is assembling as dinner cooks and i document every blessed detail for you here :)

i hope your labor day was everything you wanted it to be. have a great week!

real life

i don't know how i feel about it yet, but i start school on monday. not real school, the kids don't start back until after labor day, but we have teacher prep through the end of august. i'm thankful i have a little bit of time before jumping in. i sort of relished in the flexibility i had in my job at umn. prenatal doctors appointments were nothing to bat an eyelash at, i could take leave whenever i needed to. with a classroom and lesson plans to worry about, i've got a little bit more to deal with throughout the increasingly hectic weeks leading up to our due date - more doctor's appointments, getting the nursery ready, planning my classroom for the weeks i'll have off. we'll get through it, i'm just a little worried.... i don't like change. my life is the definition of change right now, so my skin is always on the verge of crawling.

joey and i spend our days now lazily wandering around. we wander our house, anxious for our new furniture to arrive, not knowing where to sit for now. we wander the streets of alexandria comparing its busy intersections and highways to the ones in saint paul, then to those in sioux falls. we don't know how we feel about the way the pavement meanders about, almost without purpose. no straight lines, no curb and gutters. why is that? we find ourselves passing judgement, desperate to find reason in this new place, our new home, that seems almost foreign to us. we need rhythm, we need consistency. we lack both right now without jobs to keep us tied to schedules that make sense. yesterday and today we found ourselves setting the alarm clock just to get out of bed for the cable guy, the plumber, the electric company. but that's not enough to fill a day, so then we wander some more. the number of times we've convinced ourselves a trip to target or the grocery store was in order might sound alarming to you, so i won't share. i wouldn't honestly know anyways, but i do know how to successfully navigate my way to at least two targets and three grocery stores within ten minutes of our house. we can't figure out why there are so many stores, identical stores, within such a short distance from one another. we can't figure out a lot of things here.

our house sprung a leak today, and we both stood in silence watching it drip, drip, drip from the dining room ceiling. what do you even do about that? we lived in our house in saint paul for two years and never once had to bother our landlord with home issues. our landlord here is as helpful as can be and doesn't seem to be rattled by the fact that in the week we've lived in his home we've emailed him at least three times with new work orders. the garbage disposal stopped working, the downstairs bathroom smells like death, and now - to our distress - the bathroom tile upstairs appears to have missing grout (the kind of grout that keeps water from seeping between the shower tiles, down through the floorboards, and settle contently in the drywall above our dining room table). the fix seems to be to tear up the dining room wall, air out the moisture, and seal up the tile. i'm no handy man but i know sheet rock ideally stays in place once installed. i also know enough about construction to assume my house will be covered in sheet rock dust pre and post installation. so we have that to look forward to.

on that light note, joey made a sort of nauseating video tour of our house today. he'll be offended if i leave it there; it's only nauseating for those who don't get into the camera shakes and fast spans common in most home videos (this one included). he can't get over his sultry voice narrating the film. you'll have to let him know who you think he sounds like, he's not sure but cory matthews from boy meets world is first runner up. if that's not enough to convince you to watch, i'm not sure what would do it ;)

tomorrow is our one year anniversary. we're going into dc for the first time since we moved here to celebrate and see the sites. we're both beyond excited to have an excuse to get out and do something... anything. i'm sure you're excited to hear all about it. don't worry, you will.

oh, hey baby - week 19

oh the sultry and exciting life of a married couple in their (very late) 20's. apparently so much that the blogs go unauthored for months. apologies. let's recap before the 19 week low-down.

after week 11, all hoped for energy and spunk returned nada, so there are no pictures of my growing bell for week 12. in truth, the absence was due entirely to my foul mood and joey's crazy busy school schedule = no photos = no posting, because everyone knows it's the pics the fans come back for... not for this wit, we can all be sure.

there was however the exciting reveal to all of our friends and family via text, for the most part, using this photo. to those we didn't tell in the intimate and planned out text message (sarcasm, of course), we told at the finke family reunion at this place. below are some pictures of my family during the reunion.